Vagitus
by Kaoru Gal
Summary: I know this is wrong. I knew it the first day he kissed me. I knew it the moment I kissed him back. I’m not sure why I responded…I should have hit him. Kicked him. Killed him. But I didn’t. I had kissed him. EnvyxEd oneshot yaoi graphic lemon


**Vagitus**

Disclaimer: Don't own FMA so nyah nyah nyah.

Jessie: Real mature…

Joh: Yes, yes I am.

Jessie: …

Joh: Anyway I decided to make a one-shot for fun. Since I've got nothing better to do…

-Grumbles-

Jessie: -Rolls eyes-

Warnings: yaoi, abuse, language, graphic lemon

0o0o0o0

It's disturbing.

So very disturbing.

I hate thinking about it. It's so easy to just lose myself in the heated touches, surrender my senses to pleasure. So easy…

But then, in the morning, everything hits me. Reality hits, making my insides churn. When I wake up in his arms I can't help but feel stained, dirty.

I chuckle to myself, drumming my fingers against the windowpane. The glass is cold against my fingertips, sending chills through my body.

It figures, only that bastard could get under my skin like this. I want to hate him, and sometimes I do. But I really can't lie to myself. Honestly, if I hated Envy as much as I said I did I wouldn't be where I am today.

I can't lie to myself and say he took me by force, that there was nothing I could do to stop him. Because that's not what happened. I let him take me. I offered myself to him. Why?

Because I love him.

Every time he touches me, whether it be violent or gentle, I relish it.

Sometimes…sometimes I pick a fight with him on purpose…because I know that in the end we'll be entwined together.

Sometimes…sometimes I sicken myself. I love him, but I hate myself. Everything I do I regret…but I know that if I ever had a chance to go back I wouldn't make the right choice.

I sigh, watching my breath fog up the window. I use my pinky to draw a small heart, watching it fade away. I smile.

He comes almost every night, crouching outside my window, waiting to be let in. There's never been a time when I haven't opened the windows for him. Sometimes I leave them open.

I know this is wrong. I knew it the first day he kissed me. I knew it the moment I kissed him back. I'm not sure why I responded…I should have hit him. Kicked him. Killed him. But I didn't. I had kissed him.

Strange, right? Twisted?

A dark figure appears in the tree by my window, a toothy grin flashing in the night. I smile and push the windows open, inviting him in with open arms.

He steps in gracefully and comes to me eagerly. I press my face into the crook of his neck, breathing in deeply. I can't describe his scent, but I loved it all the same.

"Miss me?" he cackles, unbraiding my hair.

I moan a response as I grind my hips into his. "Envy." I breathe out his name passionately, circling my arms around his neck.

I can feel him smirk as he fists his hands painfully in my hair. I don't mind. Maybe I like it. It doesn't matter, I don't complain.

He presses his lips firmly against mine, shoving his tongue into my mouth. I eagerly respond, sucking on his tongue happily. He pushes me back, not breaking contact. I stumble as I clutch to him, my back hitting the wall.

Envy shoves me farther up the wall, wrapping my legs around his waist. My lungs burn for air but Envy had yet to pull back. I try desperately to keep up with his fast pace but soon I found myself getting left behind as he ravishes my mouth hungrily.

I groan against his lips, my eyes trailing up to the ceiling. It wasn't always this rough. Sometimes Envy would be gentle, almost loving. It all depended on his mood.

As my eyes began to tear he finally pulls back with one last playful nibble on my bottom lip. I lick my sore lips, looking at him expectantly. His violet eyes were searching my own, looking for something.

He seems to have found whatever it was, for he soon smiled strangely, leaning his head forward so that our foreheads brushed. His long hair tickles my cheeks like whiskers and I couldn't help but shiver at the feeling.

I've always loved his hair. It's so smooth and soft, almost like silk against my fingers. His lips brush against my ear and, again, I shiver.

"Edo." He purrs, pressing into me.

I let out a broken moan, arching my back into him. His voice was soft and addicting. I found myself craving to hear him say my name once more. He smirks, as if knowing exactly what I was thinking.

Envy has an insane talent of doing that. He always has that glint in his eyes, making you feel like he knows something about you that you yourself are unaware of. It drives me crazy when he looks at me like that, not letting me in on his private joke.

He mewls seductively into my ear as he rocks slowly into me. It feels so good. My eyes close as a haze of pleasure drifts over me. Due to the position he has put me in I can't respond as well as I would have liked to, but all the same I find a way to move my hips against his, coaxing him on.

A cool hand wanders up my shirt, feeling every inch of my skin. I shudder at the feeling, whimpering.

This is another reason why I hate myself; I'm weak. Maybe if I was stronger I would resist the pull Envy has on me, I would stop myself from loving him. But the sad fact is that I'm not strong. Not at all.

And let me tell you, that's quite a blow to my ego. I've always been quite confident of myself, never doubting my strength. Al always said I was a bit too proud. But now I have discarded my pride and thrown myself at my sworn enemy, whimpering under his touches. Shameful.

Envy pulls at my shirt until it rips, exposing my chest to the cool night's air. He wastes no time, immediately attacking my collarbone.

I hate thinking about Al when I'm with Envy. Actually, I hate thinking in general. Thinking brings shame, and shame brings self-loathing. And I think I have enough of that to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.

I hold Envy to me, focusing on the sensations crawling through my body at his erotic licking. "Envy…"

He grins against my shoulder, sucking hard enough to leave bruises.

I tilt my head back as he thrusts against me harder. Desire was ripping through me, chewing away my shame.

Envy pulled back suddenly, letting me fall to the floor. A hiss escapes my lips as he grabs my wrist roughly, yanking me to my feet. A smirk is playing across his lips as he looks down at me.

He shoves me down on my bed, twisting my wrist harder than before. I suck in my breath, biting my lip to keep myself from screaming. His smirk widens sadistically as he crawls on top of me, pinning my hands above my head. As if I needed restraint.

"Does that hurt?" he whispers, looking intrigued at my pain.

Normally I would have shaken my head stubbornly, refusing to admit that I was indeed feeling pain. But I know better. I nod vigorously.

He smiles sweetly and leans down to kiss me. Our lips meet and our tongues clash together. The sweet tang of his taste fills my mouth so that when he pulled back I let out a whine of protest.

Violet orbs gleam as they inspect me.

Hands were at my pants, tugging them down my slender legs along with my boxers. He shape shifts his own skintight clothing off, allowing me to roam his body with my eyes.

He grips my arousal, wringing a loud gasp from me. I buck my hips up to meet his hands, knowing very well what a sight I made.

Teasingly, he strokes me, grinning all the while. Sadistic bastard. I moan softly, my face flushing from pleasure. "Don't…" I groan out, trying to increase the pace by thrusting into his cupped hand. He uses his free hand to pin me down firmly, stopping all movement.

It was like torture…it felt so good it was painful.

"Envy! Don't tease me!" I hiss out, tossing my head back and forth. I can hear him snicker from above me as he gradually picked up the pace.

He was spreading my legs but I was so focused on the hand pumping me that I didn't notice.

His long green hair drapes around me like a curtain, shutting me off from the world. And that's exactly what it feels like when I'm under his touch like this. I close my eyes and bite my lip, clenching and unclenching my fists.

Heat flushes across my body as my world narrows around me. No longer does the world exist to me. My world _is _Envy and only Envy. No one else. I'm no longer in my bedroom, no longer in my apartment. It's almost as if I don't exist anymore. My thoughts are disjointed and meaningless whilst my senses are all over the place. It's like…I'm just a feeling.

I realize into his hand, leaving me feeling quite numb and exhausted. I open my eyes and stare upwards, right through him as I struggle to catch my breath. My body is shaking, but just by looking into his eyes the need to have my thoughts thrust out of my mind forcibly overwhelms my being.

I need it.

I don't want to have to think or worry or have to fight anymore. I want to lose myself in the blissful sensations of pleasure and pain.

I'm dimly aware of him murmuring something in my ear, but it takes me a minute to fully comprehend it.

"I posses you."

A smile touches my lips at these words. Yes, it's true. You do posses me in every way possible, Envy. And I let you. I welcome you to, in fact.

I reach up and touch his cheek gently, affectionately. "I know." I whisper back.

Everyone always says you can see emotion in people's eyes, that eyes are a window to the soul. But when I look into his violet orbs I cannot see any emotions that I can distinguish. Is it because he's simply too hard to read? I wish I could see his emotions.

The only times when he allows that mask of his to crack is when he's angry. Really angry. Will it sound weird if I say that I love seeing him like that, even if it means pain for me?

I sigh and tilt my head back as nimble fingers dance across my legs. I toy with the idea of making him mad by refusing to continue. But the thought is soon pushed out of my mind as he rubs up against me, bringing forth a long moan from the both of us.

He hooks my legs over his shoulder as he positions himself before me. He's not bothering with preparation but I don't care. The more painful it is the more real it is.

Our eyes meet for a long moment, amber clashing with violet. Then, with a swift movement, he thrusts.

I cry out as loudly as I can, voicing the pain. My hands claw at the bed sheets for a wild moment, trying to find something to grab onto. I snag a fistful of his hair roughly, grinding my teeth together.

Tears glaze across my eyes but I refuse to let them fall, choosing instead to blink them back stubbornly. I may have thrown away all my pride for Envy, but I have yet to cry before him. That is one thing I will never, ever do.

Envy pauses a moment before pulling out and slamming back in, as hard as he can. He grinds against my hips, rocking into me.

I groan loudly at the pain racing through my body. It's like I'm being torn apart from the inside out, then painfully put back together, only to have the process repeated over and over again.

Blood is trickling down my chin. I must have bit through my lip without realizing it.

As he pushes deeper into me I feel him brush against my nerves, making my body go wild.

I buck crazily, sitting up and clutching at his head. "Envy!" I gasp out, my heart beating fast.

He snarls at me and pushes me back down. Unlike me, his breathing is perfectly controlled.

I've learned that Envy almost never gets tired. I suppose it has to do with the fact that he's a homunculus. He could probably go on all day if he wished, but I don't think he's _that _sadistic.

My eyes flutter closed as I began to lose myself in the rhythm he creates. I can hear him groaning so I crack open my eyes, looking up into the face of my enemy.

His lips are just parted and his eyes are half lidded, looking hazy and distant. His hair is falling into face thanks to the absence of his trademark headband. I personally like him better without it.

Looking at him like this, it's painful. I'm scared to know his thoughts, scared that he regards me as nothing more then a good fuck. But at the same time I want nothing more but to have a peek behind his eyes.

So I'm torn.

He begins to pick up the pace, driving into me with smooth long strokes that send me wild. I'm moaning out his name but I can't hear my voice, I just feel my lips moving. Sweat is rolling down my face and arms as I move my hips with his frantically.

Heat is coursing through my body, driving all thoughts away. The pain of his nails digging into my skin leaving behind red trails adds to my pleasure.

"Harder." I breathe, eyes dilating.

He complies, licking and nipping at my neck all the while. I'm bucking into him, wanting more, more, and more.

I can feel myself dangling at the edge of something great, something good. I _need _that push to jump. I find myself mewling and begging for release, a thin trail of saliva creeping down the side of my mouth, mixing with the blood from my lip.

"Oh, please…Envy…"

I hate hearing my voice. It doesn't sound like me.

"Envy…ah! Gods…harder…harder…"

But lately nothing is me anymore.

"Fuck yes! Yes!"

Is that a bad thing?

A hand is around my throbbing member, pumping me roughly. I can't help but cry out at the overloading feelings. It's too much. My body shudders violently before I let out a scream.

"ENVY!"

My vision is blurry after I come but I can still see him, crouched over me. His eyes are closed from pleasure as he quickly thrusts several more times before following me; jumping off the edge he had pushed me over.

I take a long shuddering breath as exhaustion forces my eyes to flutter. He rolls off of me, looking at me with a strange expression. I stare back at him. He always looks at me like this when we're done. I'm not sure if I hate it, or love it.

Suddenly he reaches out, backhanding me across the face. I grunt at the not entirely unexpected act, turning my stinging face to the side.

He slaps me again, and again, and again. Only stopping when my cheek begins to bleed.

I look up at him, into his angry face.

Without speaking to me he gets up, shape shifting his clothes back on. He spares me one last glance before leaping out my window, into the night.

I fall back into the mattress, smiling slightly.

It makes me happy…to know that Envy cares about me.

0o0o0o0

Joh: Hm, that was sad. The last line might confuse you, decipher it as you wish.

Jessie: wow…angst much?

Joh: Yeah…um…yeah. The title means crying…at least I think it does.

Jessie: -sweat drops-

Joh: Review please!

-Joh


End file.
